Thanks a lot, movies. You taught us that having sex was graceful and passionate, and everyone orgasms in unison. Sometimes that is the case? Mostly it’s not. Here are some things that nobody told us to expect.
1. It doesn’t just “happen.” In movies, two perfectly symmetrical-faced people gaze at each other, and in the next scene they’re in bed doing it. Alas, when you’re single and dating, this rarely happens. It requires a little more work.
2. Sometimes you’re too lazy or turned-on to take all your clothes off when it happens, and you wind up leaving some unsexy article of clothing on. And then you’re done having sex, and he’s still wearing his shirt without pants and underwear, and you are like, “I just slept with Donald Duck.”
3. You might only be able to orgasm (or orgasm most easily) in a “weird”/unique position. Like if you’re used to masturbating a certain way, that’s probably the most guaranteed orgasm position, even if it’s not the upward-facing manual clit stimulation you see in images of women masturbating.
4. And that’s cool! Being afraid to tell that to the guy you’re sleeping with will only result in a one-sided, unsatisfactory sex life. I don’t care if you can only get off when you’re standing on your head and listening to Phil Collins — if that’s what gets you there, he’ll learn to love “In The Air Tonight.” I’m not saying you can’t try other positions, but maybe do yours before you do his, just to make sure everything looks dandy on the post-coital comment card.
5. Balls don’t look like what you think they do and hang lower than you thought they would, and at first you will get an impulse to whack it back and forth like a cat would. It is a truth universally acknowledged that all balls looks like the balls of old men.
6. Roughly half of the most common positions are somehow uncomfortable on your knees. That thing where you’re doing doggy style but he keeps making it kind of more like froggy style? Ow. Jesus.
7. Sex is more fun sober. O, cruel alcohol: It makes you want to have sex more, yet be way worse at actually having it. It doesn’t take long to figure out that being on top is better when you don’t have the spins.
8. Lube makes everything better, even though you are not yet an old withered crone from the sea who “needs” it.
9. Some lube tastes weird, making mid-coital BJs more unpleasant. So think that through and buy the strawberry-flavored kind or something.
10. If you don’t work out that much, sex will be harder. If you are the kind of sex partner who shares the workload (and if you’re not, I will not be having sex with you), you’ll quickly realize that cardio has its benefits in the bedroom. But eating cheese in the bedroom is great too? So.
11. There is such a thing as sex lasting too long. Maybe your brain likes it, but if your vagina is ready to stop, roll over and watch Real Housewives, it’ll lose its lubrication — and doing this over time can cause lasting damage.
12. Direct pressure on your clitoris can be too intense and feel uncomfortable.Men don’t know this, which is why “fingering” to some of them means “pounding like they’re playing Doom and your clit is the space bar on the keyboard.” Supposedly avoiding direct contact, focusing more on the upper left side rather than the center, is the most pleasurable for women.
13. The person who took your virginity could mean nothing to you. We’re brought up to think that we’ll have mutual virginity loss with our high school boyfriend, Chad the quarterback, in a Model T overlooking Lover’s Point after winning the homecoming game, and afterward cry together, or whatever the hell. Actually it might just be a rando or someone you barely know. And that doesn’t mean anything’s wrong with you.
14. You’re going to queef and eventually it’ll get to the point where nobody laughs. The first time it’s hysterical/cringeworthy, but eventually it’s just like, “There goes a queef.” [Does “I don’t give a fuck” hand-wave like a 19th century debutante; continues sex.]
15. Penetration is not the best kind of sex for everyone. And a lot of men don’t even know that many of us would be psyched with clit stimulation but could take or leave penetration, in terms of orgasmic stimulus.
16. Fun sex can be just as good as sultry sex. It’s not always gonna be like, “I’ll get the wine, you light the candles; let’s have sex like we kind of hate each other.” There are also doofy new positions, mid-coital laughing, and generally letting it all hang out. And that speaks volumes about how comfortable you are around each other sexually — which leads to more, and better, orgasms.
17. Lounging around post-coitally in your perfectly clean bed is not a real thing that happens. Negotiating who will lie in the wet spot/getting up for paper towels is.
18. If being demeaned in bed turns you on, it doesn’t mean you’re weak or submissive in everyday life. And vice versa: Taking control in bed doesn’t mean you’re a bossy control freak in daily life. Fantasies are often totally separate from your nonsexual personality.
19. How awkward, but necessary, it is to bring up contraception/birth control in the heat of the moment. Sure, we’re told to wear condoms, but we’re not told precisely how to bring it up when we are going to third base with a guy who’s so hot he could be on a CW drama.
20. Switching positions is clumsy and awkward. Unless your sex partner is Black Swan.
21. Sex injuries happen. Like accidentally kneeing the dude in the balls while switching positions or banging your head on the wall during cowgirl.
22. You probably won’t come at the same time. Another Hollywood lie. But at least you’re both coming! And will be equally exhausted while cuddling afterward.